Science experiments

I’ve been an unwilling participant for seven years in a study about the physical and psychological impacts of sleep deprivation and mess.

Illustration (and sparkles!) by Liz Sarb

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you left a bottle full of milk in a bag in a hot car for two weeks?

I know. I’ve collected empirical evidence on the subject. The results are both valid and reliable.

What happens to a normal human adult exposed to loud noises, from multiple sources simultaneously, sustained over a long period of time?

We’re still working on our controls for this one since the results vary widely. The most common outcome appears to be that the subject makes the loudest noise of all, temporarily stems the tide, and then runs away from the situation and maybe cries. But on occasion, the subject bursts into a silly song?

I’ve been an unwilling participant for seven years in a study about the physical and psychological impacts of sleep deprivation and mess. It’s very poorly run as far as I can tell and almost certainly not adhering to the APA ethics code. The variables are all over the place and there is no control group.

I can’t offer peer reviewed results, but anecdotal evidence suggests serious side effects from this particular combination of factors.

Directions:

• Find a stool left out near the bathroom sink

• Fill test sippy cup with water

• Leave water source on and (important!) running full force

• Mix: 

• 1 part water

• 1 part handsoap

• 3 of mommy’s earrings

• 2 squeezes of toothpaste

• 1 squeeze of face lotion

• Spill all ingredients generously around the workspace and leave all bottles/tubes open

• Add 1 adult to the scene

• Take careful note of their reaction

Question: What is the upper limit on how many times a kindergartener can knock over a cup of milk at the dinner table?

Answer: There is no limit. The limit does not exist.